What happened to me?

How did I get here?

Why do I keep repeating the same relationship patterns over and over again?

These are some questions you may ask yourself as you begin to shine a light on your relational history. For some of us, it’s like we have been picking the same dance partner continuously. Different people, with different coloured eyes, different names, but inevitably the dysfunctional relational dynamic repeats yet again.

Sigmund Freud gave us the theory of ‘repetition compulsion’. An element of this is seeking out relationships that replicate past unhealthy experiences. A person may experience negative consequences (such as abuse or neglect), but the unconscious drive to repeat emotionally or physically painful situations is strong.

In other words, we humans tend to repeat what we know. We are drawn to the familiar, particularly in relationships.

What did you have to do to maintain connection to this person?

To self-censor yourself by not speaking up?

To take on the belief system of another person as your own?

Was it to play small and remain hidden?

To hide your authentic self?

To ignore your gut instincts?

When did this way of being begin?

How old were you when you learned these behaviours?

These adaptations usually begin at a very young age. Often, our way of being in the world carries through into adulthood.

If you are just starting to explore your relationship patterns, why not try some self-inquiry? Meditation, journalling, and reading (I can recommend some great books) can all be beneficial for this.

I am a therapist who specialises in supporting people recovering from narcissistic abuse, and I work online via Zoom. If you would like to find out more, please reach out via email info@narcissisticabusetherapy.co.uk or call/text me on 07897 053051.