What is narcissistic abuse?

Narcissistic abuse can occur in all types of relationships between people. For some of us that includes a caregiver or early childhood authority figure, an intimate partner, a friend, a boss or co-worker who has narcissistic traits. Some of the patterns of behaviour in narcissistic abuse include criticising, belittling, mocking, gaslighting, projecting, unaccountability, triangulation, rage and in some cases escalation to violence.


It is an insidious form of abuse as the emotional scars are not visible but can leave a person perpetually doubting themselves, losing their sense of self, internalising the narcissistic abuse and feeling that they are somehow to blame for what’s happened. A target of abuse may take on the critical punishing voice of their abuser either in childhood and/or adulthood.


Narcissistic abuse in relationships is characterised by an asymmetrical power dynamic where a perpetrator will expect other people to serve their needs, demand attention and special treatment. They depend on others to sacrifice their time, energy and attention for them. People who are externally focused on meeting others needs to the exclusion of their own often become targets for narcissistic abuse.

A relationship with a narcissist is like a white water rafting trip. When you jump into the raft, soon you pick up speed, coasting down the rapids and are launched further down the river narrowly missing boulders. At this point, it’s a lot harder to get out. The same is true in a relationship with a narcissist. When enticed with love bombing and mirroring behaviour, not to mention a fast moving intensity and excitement it can become a lot harder to leave the relationship, especially when cycles of trauma bonding have taken hold.

Anyone can fall into a relationship characterised by narcissistic abuse. Although there are some factors that will make you more susceptible to it. If you had a narcissistic caregiver or early authority figure you may unconsciously recreate the pattern in your adult relationships. People with high agreeableness and high openness character traits, or who identify with rescuing roles may also be.

People who learned codependent behaviour patterns, where they place all of their focus on other people, whilst disregarding their own needs are also susceptible. If your early needs for safety, boundaries and unconditional love were not met adequately this too can make you more likely to enter a relationship characterised by narcissistic abuse.

Sadly, in society many perpetrators of narcissistic abuse can be unknowingly enabled or supported by systems such as the workplace, friendship groups, communities, spiritual and religious groups. If you've experienced narcissistic abuse and would like to explore how counselling might help, please get in touch to arrange a free 15-minute consultation.

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